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Business - Amway Parody Press
Iraqi Information Minister Lands Job with Amway
Sun Apr 13, 3:16 PM ET Add Technology - APP to My Hahoo!
By Scott Larsen, Amway Parody Press Editor
Ada, Michigan - He bemused the West with his litany of claimed victories over coalition troops, and amused Arabs with his bottomless dictionary of insults. Iraq (news - web sites)'s information minister hasn't been seen for days, but he's hardly disappeared.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf is alive and well as Amway's newest Director of Information. Ronald McDonald, managing director of Amway's North American subisiary, Quixtar, announced the appointment at a recent press conference in Ada, Michigan.
Mr. McDonald cited Mr. al-sahhaf's "bubbling optimism" and "persistence despite all odds" as the main reason for the appointment. McDonald told reporters, "During the war, you could see this guy was always positive". "Nothing negative was going to steal this guy's dream", noted McDonald. "He is a shinning example of my saying if the dream is big enough, the facts don't matter", commented Dexter Yager, Crown ambassador distributor, and former member of the Amway distributor's Board of Directors pictured here with Mr. al-sahhaf.
Armed with a constant smile, positive mental attitude, and fluent English, al-Sahhaf held daily reports containing positive, uplifting information for the Iraqi people even though the situation for the Iraqi regime was looking bleaker and bleaker.
Day after day, he persisted with new and ever creative positive invective: "Broke losers." "Louts of hungry job seekers." "Intentional gang of villains." "Wild donkey losers." "Our IBOs relate very well to al-Sahhaf's hype and method of creatively insulting his opponents", noted McDonald.
It was this sort of creativity that drew the attention of Multi-Level-Marketing companies like Amway. "The information systems inside MLM's thrive on creatively presenting positive information", noted a long time MLM expert.
Due to age old Amway political connections in the republican administration, Al-Sahhaf was omitted from the deck of cards issued Friday by the U.S. military depicting 55 regime figures sought by the coalition. He was able to obtain a green card for the United States with the help of Amway's connections.
"People really loved watching him speak regardless of what he was saying," said Mai Hassan, an advertising consultant in Cairo, Egypt. "No doubt this is a reason that the Multi-Level-Marketing companies like Amway were all clamoring to get him for their PR teams", noted Mai Hassan.
Now that his whereabouts are known, his rhetoric can still live on. Al-Sahhaf's "newest ama-hits" include:
_"My feelings — as usual — anyone who does this business can retire in 2 to 5 years"
_"God will roast P&G in hell at the hands of IBOs."
_"Anyone not smart enough to see the potential in this business is a broke loser - go ahead stay broke and ride an old camel."
_"We will welcome nay-sayers with Active 8 and protien bars."
_"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries (P&G) back into the swamp."
_"We went into the malls and book stores and contacted them. We got hundreds of new prospects"
_"They have started to quit their jobs so they can be free. We will encourage them to quit their jobs more quickly."
_"We're not even close to being saturated."
_"Our initial assessment is that Quixtar will be a 100 billion dollar company in just two more years."
_"The American job mentality, they always depend on education what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies about getting a good education."
_"I can assure you that those negative websites will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place."
_"The American press is all about lies! All they tell is negativity, lies and more negativity!"
_"I triple guarantee you will save 30% buying Amway products."
_"These cowards (negative websites) have no morals. They have no shame about lying"
_"Negative friends and relatives not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"
_"Our estimates are that none of them will retire with a penny unless they join us quickly."
_"Desperate broke losers"
_"We want to tell him that we have not kicked anyone out. Most of them quit broke because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get jobs."
_"There are no Quixtar businesses disguising themselves as another business."
_Question: How much does average Quuixtar Platinum IBO earn? "I will only answer reasonable questions"
_Amway opponents are "bats ... and a bad American product."
___
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